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User blog:ElphabaAndGalinda/Har Har Tharsdays with Holly
Hey everyone, Holly here! I have started a new tradition. Every thursday (I KNOW it's Tuesday you complaining BITCHES!) I will be doing comedic material that is written by me. From this point on in the blog it will be comedy. Har Har Tharsdays with Holly! Today's Topic: Keeping People Alert. For today, I'll be giving you a list of ways to keep people alert when you're out and about minding your own business. I'm not talking about your friends so much, just the general public. People sometimes need that little jolt to keep them alert and bring 'em back to reality a little bit. There an awful lot of people walkin' around, *snaps fingers twice* not all there. And I don't mean the helpless or the homeless, the crazy fuckers who are off their medication or shit like that, I mean FUCKERS... WITH JOBS. There are people walking around with kind of a *imitates vaccuum cleaner*. Kind of a neutral zone around their head. And then there's some people who just left part of their brain at home when they walked out in the morning. But hey, some people don't have that much to bring out in the first place! So I say there are a number of things you can do to help keep people alert and on their toes. For those with cars; Did you ever try backing out of a drive-in bank? That's the kind of thing I mean! Or just walk up to someone on the street and shout "PARDON ME! I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!" Someone asks you what time it is? Say "Well, it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard-on!" Now, many of these things I'm suggesting and offering are intended mostly for use on retail clerks. Because many of them seem to need special help. *imitates vaccuum cleaner noise* Remember that neutral zone I talked about earlier? Every retail clerk everywhere for some reason seems to have this sort of mentality about them. Ever walk into a store and IMMEDIATELY notice the clerk seems to be running on a Lean Mixture? The cheese fell off his cracker a LONG time ago? "He's just a couple sandwiches short of a picnic!" Here are a few to try. Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift. "I saw your sign and I came in for my gift! Saved you the trouble of looking all over for me! WHERE'S MY GIFT?" Doesn't impress them, but it keeps them on their goddamn toes. Or just go running into a quiet little story on Sunday and screaming, at the top of your lungs, "ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?!?!" They say "Yes." Say, "THANK YOUUUUUUUU!" And RUN. Let THEM figure it out! It's not your concern! Another one: Stand in line at the bank... For a reeallly long time... One of those new lines they have at the bank... The "Common Theater" line... It used to be every teller had his own line. Now you think you're at FUCKING DISNEYLAND! So you're standing in line for a long time... When you get to the front, ask for change of a nickel! They'll actually call other tellers over to look at you! This one is my personal favorite: Go into your local photographer studio and ask the photographer if you can buy pictures... OF THE OTHER PEOPLE! "How much for that heavyset couple in the window?" Oh, they will stare at you a very loooong time... They may even back-up several feet! Here's one you might try... Go into a dry cleaner's and ask if you can take the stains out of one pair of pants, and put them in another pair of pants! They ought to be able to do that for the same amount of money. While you're in there, ask them if they can get "pecker tracks" off of a wedding gown. That's the test of a really quality dry cleaner! Here's a good one for the supermarket: Go into a supermarket, get your cart and fill it to the brim with items. Just fill it up! I mean a HUGE mound of shit! Then look for someone in line with one item and ask them if you can go ahead of them. "I'M IN A REAL HURRY, COULD I GET IN FRONT OF YOU? FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I ONLY HAVE 1,100 ITEMS!" Yet another one: Go into a bakery and say "Can you bake a cake in the shape of a penis?" They never know, they always have to have a meeting! "Well I don't know, hold on one second!" *indistinct whispering* "Can we have a picture to go by?" "Sure, here" "...LINDA, ORDER MORE FLOUR!" Next time you're at a wishing well, ask to speak to the manager. Say "I've been coming here for 10 years and none of my wishes have come true. Give me my money back, or I'm shittin' in the well!" When you're at a baseball stadium, ever notice how a lot of people bring gloves to catch foul balls? FUCK THAT! BRING A BAT! So if a foul ball comes, *snaps fingers* HIT IT BACK TO 'EM! Wave to the pitcher. *imitates caveman screaming* They'll think you're a fun fan! Then they'll think it's straightjacket night! Ever go to a hotel and see sewing kits? Know what I do? I SEW THE TOWELS TOGETHER! SEW THE SHEETS TO THE DRAPES! SEW THE PILLOWCASES TO THE FLOOR! LET 'EM KNOW YOU'VE BEEN THERE! This has been Har Har Tharsdays with Holly. Did you laugh? Were you bored? WHO GIVES A FUCK?! (Just kidding. Leave a comment telling me what you thought. If you have any ideas for new material or how to improve my comedy, please let me know.) All comments are appreciated, unless you're any of the following: An alien from Mexico. Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus. Nicki Minaj. Or anybody that thinks wild animals are good to have as pets. YOU CRAZY FUCKERS, STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BLOG! And as always, thank you for reading and goodnight. -Holly Category:Blog posts